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Archive for May, 2016

Faith led me to know doubt.

Let me explain. Growing up, belief in Jesus was never hard…He was the realest thing I knew and I never had any doubt. I just believed. I was a Christian. That’s how I existed in this world. The lens through which I viewed life. So you can imagine that when I was first confronted by doubt, I was thrown cleanly off my feat. My anxiety grew, as did my efforts to suppress it. I just didn’t know how not to believe. The questions that were coming to my mind were like assaults that I just tried to defend against. I wouldn’t manage to hold one at bay before the next would surface. One after the other. I was scared of doubt. It shook up the most solid thing I knew. Each year, they would resurface. But I learned to manage them as I continued to walk in the only way I knew how.

Someone said something to me recently that they had read in a book. “Faith is a journey of doubt…faith has no place in certainties”.

I haven’t been able to shake this from my mind since. This one sentence removed the fear that attaches itself to my doubts. A sense of a foggy cloud in my mind lifted.

My changes in circumstances and adulthood as a university student, weren’t serving to shake the truth. Despite being what I felt at the time. They served to show me that I am naturally a doubter. My predisposition is to doubt.

Straight away I am brought back to the Garden. The conception place and birth place of doubt in the Word of God. In this scene I see myself. I am not predisposed to believe. While my upbringing may have given me a false confidence in myself, what I now see is that the origin of faith does not lie within me. I have a doubting heart. The essence of sin.

This is why He came on my behalf. This is why Jesus had to die. This is why he came as light into a world of darkness.

Fragility was an everyday experience as I perceived my faith to be threatened. I was fearful of one day hearing a theory or argument that would destabilize me. ‘Sometimes our security can falsely be in the confines of our own intellect’ my new friend told me. This is not where Jesus commands my security to be. It is to be in him. Yes God works through my intellect and all aspects of my person to bring me to Jesus…but it is not in those things that my faith rests. It rests in Jesus. My security is in something much bigger than my upbringing. It is in a truth that exists outside of me. A truth that has stood the test of history. A truth that in fact pierced history and was revealed in it. A truth that was embodied.

What I have now realized is that true faith, is coming to grips with the natural inclination of my heart.

My faith was not being jeopardized. It was being re-anchored. The source of my faith lies outside of me. True faith led me to know doubt. It gave me eyes to see my doubt for what it was rather than fear it. A natural inclination to not want to believe in God.

This is why God sent one who would believe him wholly and obey him fully because no amount of my intellect will lead me wholeheartedly to God. I needed saving. I need my doubt filled rebellion to be washed clean by the Savior. I need my hard heart to be softened by His life giving Spirit. I need my mind to be transformed and renewed as I take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. I am a wondering sheep that needs a Good Shepherd to search for me.

“I believe help me in my unbelief”

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